January 2011
5 posts
4 tags
Dog Runs Away From Life of Servitude
KENNETT SQ., PA-Buckets, a honey-colored Yorkshire Terrier, successfully escaped from modern-day slavery in Yardley, Pennsylvania yesterday. Buckets claims that he had to beg for food scraps and was only allowed outside to go to the bathroom. “It was wrong, what they did,” Buckets says, “I see that now. At first, I thought life couldn’t get better than this. Now I see that by trapping me in my own...
Health Care Reform Hurts “Fabulousness” of Medical...
WASHINGTON–Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan.) in a press conference on Tuesday warned of negative effects the health care reform could have on the attractiveness of the medical profession. “Right now, doctors are dreamy and the medical field is fabulous,” Senator Roberts said, “But all this could change.” Analysts say that the reform may effectively lower doctors’ salaries. If it does, Roberts fears...
New Technology Asks Fetus: Do You Want To Be...
SAN FRANCISCO–In what could be the end-all to the abortion debate, a new “uterine telephone” has been developed enabling pregnant women to ask their fetuses if they want to be aborted. Although the technology is still in its early stages, Congress is planning on introducing a bill making the procedure mandatory before every abortion. Pro-life proponents offered their support for the “uterine...
4 tags
Meet the Press Adopts New ‘Bullshit Meter’ Format
WASHINGTON–NBC announced Monday that after 62 years, Meet the Press would be changing its format to include a “Bullshit Meter” behind every guest. “Now, whenever Rush Limbaugh speaks, there will be a meter behind him informing the American people that what he is saying is complete bullshit,” host David Gregory said. NBC executive Dick Ebersol said that the new format is a response to criticisms...
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My Onion
Last summer I applied to the Onion Writing Fellowship. Unfortunately, I lacked writing, fellow, or ship. But because I spent so much time writing fake headlines and short stories, it would make me feel better to “publish” them on the internet. So this is me, making myself feel better. I’ll post the short stories I wrote separately.
Onion-Style Headlines
Hasbro Unveils Commemorative Twin ...
