I am addicted to soda. I am addicted to deals.

So when I see that I can get MORE soda for a BETTER price per ounce, I am all over that shit. In other words, I am the one buying the Big Gulps. I am that person.

I don’t want to be that person. I know I should quit soda completely, but I am so sugar addicted I can’t go more than a week without giving in. I am a weak, weak person.

So there’s the proposed soda ban. Soda over 16 ounces, you can’t get it. You have to buy two. Two? That’s not a deal. (Finally, my addiction to deals is paying off). I’ll just have one 16 ounce soda, thank you, kind sir. 

OK, so maybe you are thinking, why should the GOVERNMENT tell me how much I am allowed to drink? I’m not a CHILD (I am worse than a child in terms of drinking habits.) Obviously drinking soda, drinking excessive amounts of sugar, is bad for you. It leads to health problem like diabetes, health problems that en masse the government has to help pay for. Also… I don’t know if you noticed, but healthy people, they don’t generally drink 20 ounce sodas. I don’t think they drink soda. I don’t think they like to look at soda. 

Hopefully now I can turn into one of those healthy people!

Oh wait, what? That convenience store right there, I can still buy 2 liter sodas? Even with the ban? I can buy as much soda in as large quantities as I want, right there? What? And that one, right next to it? Wait, I can buy whatever size sugary drink I want at ANY EFFIN GROCERY STORE OR CONVENIENCE STORE IN THE CITY? Shit, I am so screwed.

Never-mind. Ban or no ban, I am ending up the diabetes. If you see me drinking soda, please slap it out of my hand. It’s the least you can do.